Cornelius Murphy 01: The Book of Ultimate Truths (1987) by Robert Rankin

Author:Robert Rankin
Format: epub
Published: 1987-03-18T16:00:00+00:00

15

All the shouting woke up Felix Henderson McMurdo.

He yawned. Stretched. Wondered where he was. Vaguely remembered. And stumbled from his bed to peer out of the window.

There was a right old fuss going on down in the courtyard. Monks were running all over the place, hitching up their habits and looking most distraught. Felix suddenly caught sight of a man in highland garb. He was waving a claymore. He was also shouting things such as: “Where is he?” and “Hand him over or else!”

Felix sank down beneath the window. He’d seen that man before. Where was it? Back at the police station, that was where. He was one of the Wild Warriors of West Lothian!

Felix began to chew on his knuckles. What could this mean? Clearly it could mean only one thing. There could be no other logical explanation. The Wild Warrior was looking for him. The townsfolk of Sheila na gigh had obviously gone completely insane. They had sent a mercenary, a hired killer, to track him down. This was no laughing matter.

“I shall have to get out of here,” said Felix. “But how?”

And then, as chance would have it, he just happened to espy nothing less than a monk’s habit (his very size) hanging on the back of the cell door.

“Now,” said Felix Henderson McMurdo. “That’s handy.”

§

“How was I supposed to know?” Cornelius threw his hands high. “You should have told me.”

“We’ll have to go down there at once.” Tuppe drummed his fists on the dashboard. “Put the car in gear. We’ll smash the door down.”

“That is somewhat drastic, don’t you think?”

“Drastic? Who is down there, do you think? Eh, Cornelius? About to take it out of my uncle? Come on, take a little guess.”

“It’s the Campbell,” said Cornelius in a low tone. “Even though he was whispering, there was no mistaking that voice.”

“How come this Campbell is always one step ahead of you, Cornelius?”

The tall boy shrugged. “I don’t honestly know.”

“Put the car in gear, Mr Murphy.”

Mr Murphy put the car in gear.

§

Felix Henderson McMurdo pulled down his cowl to shelter his face, tucked his hands into their opposite sleeves and hurried along a corridor which would have been all the better for redecoration, or demolition.

He hadn’t gone more man a few yards, before the sound of marching feet reached his ears. There was a door to the right and one to the left. Felix chose the one to the right, turned the handle and slipped quietly away. He pressed shut the door and pressed his ear to it. The marching marched up, marched past and marched off.

“Phew,” said Felix Henderson McMurdo. “That was close.”

“What was close?” asked a voice.

Felix turned in horror to view the speaker. He was a very small speaker. A miniature monk. Felix recalled a toby jug his mum once kept on the mantelshelf. He recalled also how he’d broken it.

The monk stood upon a high stool. He had a large screwdriver in his hand and before him on a work table there was a lot of complicated electrical gubbinry.

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